–There’s a hole in heart. A heavy weight, a piercing pain, a profound sadness in my soul. My dad is sick. It’s pancreatic cancer. I had a panic attack while in the shower the other day. I couldn’t breathe, and felt as if the water coming down might drown me. I looked up and tried to relax my body and my mind. Let go of the heartache. This is all so personal, so gut-wrenching.
These past two months have been more than challenging. They have truly put us to the test and I think of Job often. He was stripped of everything and still never faultered in his faith.
First it was our air conditioning. $7000 later, we were happy to be cool in the Houston heat. Then the floods came. Our car was totaled. Then, a week after the floods, our ceiling came down on us. Ok, God, you have our attention. My husband and I looked within and around us. What did we need to change? Alter? Polish? Eliminate?
First thing I thought is about my priorities. What is the most important thing in my life? God and my family. I still had both. Though frustrated and not happy about the circumstances, we tried to stay positive.
But then we got the news about my dad. We are wrapping him up in prayer and lifting him up to the Heavens. That he may be healed if that’s God’s will. May this journey bring us all closer and keep reminding us of what’s most important. Not the air, the car, the roof. But our blood and soul. Our relationships and memories. Our walking together hand-in-hand towards God’s plan. Allowing ourselves to accept whatever he gives us and surrendering to his will. It’s not easy. My human mind is selfish and wants 100 more years with my dad. But for now I will take as many days as God gives us with him. It’s so hard to be far away from him. I want to hug him and hold his hand. I’m going to Spain to stay with him for a week. I wish it were a year. He starts chemo soon. Please pray for my papi. That his body tolerates the chemo, that the tumor shrinks, that the cancer stops spreading dear Lord, you who can move mountains, part oceans, raise the dead and create life. Heal my Father. And give us strength to release the weight, the pain, the sadness. We know it is in your hands.