I was 23 when we got married and thought that by forty I’d have kids in their late teens. Instead, we battled through infertility for years. Doctors couldn’t find anything “wrong” with neither P nor myself. Everyone kept telling us to just relax, don’t obsess, take a vacation, and have a bottle of wine. Easier said than done. We were that couple that planned their every “move”, if you know what I mean. It did become robotic instead of romantic. But I truly was obsessed, emotional, hormonal, and there was little I could do to think about anything else other than wanting to have a baby.
If you’ve struggled with infertility, you know the emotional toll it takes on you. The frustration. The helplessness you feel. And there’s nothing anyone can say to make you feel better. Here I was taking drugs, injections, having ultrasounds to look at my eggs every week, and Britney Spears popped out two kids at the blink of an eye. Finally, at the third try with artificial insemination, it happened. We were expecting Y! It was one of the happiest moments of my life.
With little F, it took about a year of conscious effort to conceive. But no fertility drugs, thank God. And now, here I am at 40, expecting our third child and no help needed in conceiving. Just a lot of faith.
Everyone we’ve told has asked us if we were “planning it”? Well, we weren’t taking any measures to NOT conceive. I figured after so many years of trying to get pregnant, it wouldn’t be fair to take any kind of contraception. After all, we went 11 years with nothing and we didn’t get pregnant. So we were open to the possibility of having more kids. If it was in God’s plan to have another child, we would have one. I think God knew that in my heart, I always wanted another baby.
I am 13 weeks along and we haven’t had an ultrasound yet. But I cannot wait to hear my little lemon’s heartbeat this week. When you have a midwife and home birth, unless there is medical history or another physical reason to have an early ultrasound, you don’t get one until about 17 weeks. That’s when we determine sex (which we won’t find out!) and make sure the placenta and baby are ok. And that’s all. No more ultrasounds needed if I continue to have a healthy pregnancy.
I am very much looking forward to giving birth. That’s one BIG reason I wanted to have another baby. And we’ve decided to include it in my documentary so it’s a full-circle moment for us. What a journey! I pray that I can experience once again the magic and power of a home birth. But this time, I told my midwife that I want her to come over the minute I call her. We don’t necessarily want to go through the same intensity of knowing that I was about to push out little F and there was no one there to help us. Once again, though, I know God has a plan. And with this third baby, I feel more confident than ever about that. I am more at peace and willing to surrender than ever before.
That’s not to say that it’s been the best pregnancy! With both Y and F, I felt no nausea, no heartburn, not nearly as much exhaustion as I do now. This time around, I have wanted to puke almost every morning. I have strong aversions to foods I normally love, like avocado and fruit. Now, all I’ve been craving is ham and cheese sandwiches. It’s finally starting to feel better, though, at 13 weeks.
I do have to say one thing about baby number 3… the belly pops out almost immediately. It’s crazy. But it’s beautiful. I keep rubbing it, knowing this will be the last time my body goes through this miraculous construction. I thank God with every cell of my being for giving me this opportunity and I send blessings to all you mamas out there who are pregnant.