–Spit up on my shoulder, poop between my nails, hair in a knot, wearing my husband’s boxers, with bags under my eyes. It’s a pretty picture, I know. I am fully immersed in baby mode. I did buy three pretty pj’s and swore I wouldn’t wear P’s boxers and t-shirts to bed any more. But they are so much more comfy and roomy around my post-partum belly! After 6 weeks with baby S in our lives, I can’t imagine it any other way. Ok, I can. I thought that baby number 3 meant I have learned all the lessons. I’m an expert. I can do it all. Conquer any baby challenge. Not so much. This baby doesn’t sleep any better than his 2 siblings did, he wants to be held all day, and he eats much more. Which means my boob is hanging out 24/7.
I’ve had a decent relationship with my breasts my whole life. I appreciate them, and respect them. Used to wish they were fuller at some point in my high school years, but now I see them as tools for construction of a human being. Nothing needs to be changed or altered. They are perfect. And I often can’t even tell if one is hanging out. It’s boob land around here.
I’m thankful to have an ample supply of milk. If you’ve ever nursed a ravenous little human, you know that you often worry about your supply. “Do I have enough milk?”, “Is he still hungry?”, “How much did he eat?” are common thoughts of us sleep deprived nursing moms. And then you hear people around you swear that “he looks so hungry” and that “he wants to eat again”, and you feel so offended and judged, because, how can they say that about you and your baby? Well, this time around, I know I have enough and it feels good! Buffet is open day and night, and my baby boy is on the boob whenever he wants it!
I told myself I wouldn’t nurse this baby to sleep, though, and that I wouldn’t rock him, or let him sleep in our bed. I guess I thought that he’d be what I wanted him to be, or what society thinks a baby needs to be, rather than what he was born to be: a baby with needs. I thought I deserved a baby that sleeps through the night and doesn’t need me to hold him all day. But no, for the third time, I am constantly holding my baby and nursing and rocking him to sleep.
I certainly thought that I’d be a more relaxed mom by now. Turns out I’m just as paranoid, over-protective and all-controlling with kid number 3 as I was with number 1. So I have no advice to give, no words to guide you or any success stories to publish. I pay attention to what my baby needs and give it to him. I question myself all the time. But I know that I do my best. I give all I can give.
They say “be the person your dog thinks you are”. I say “be the person God wants you to be to your kids”. And maybe that way, I CAN conquer anything that comes my way.