Category Archives: breastfeeding

Letter to my Daughter

Y–Dear Y,

If you are reading this, it’s because you’ve had a baby. There are so many emotions from the moment you see your baby for the first time. I remember reaching for you as you came out, touching the top of your slippery head. My dream became a reality when I held you for the first time.  You have helped to shape me to be a mother. Guiding me and challenging me to become the mom that God wanted me to be.

I want you to know that you are not alone. As thrilling and exhilarating as it is, motherhood can be isolating and lonely. There are so many phases in this journey. And they all go by too quickly. I try to remind myself to enjoy each step, even the rough ones. Because that is part of being a mom.

As I write this, it’s 6:23pm, only 9 days until your 7th birthday. I am 41. Dad just turned 50. S is almost 6 months. He’s taking a late nap. Felipe, 4, is taking a bath. I sit next to him writing this on my phone while he throws Hulk in the water with a splash that gets my legs wet. You are playing in your room with your new doll. You are already an admirable mom. You rock your dolls, talk to them, and tenderly tuck them in when they fall asleep. You are patient, gentle and loving. And you also take care of me. You bring me water, massage my feet, rub my back, and remind F to keep his voice down if I’m resting with the baby.

This has been the toughest job I have ever had. But also the most nourishing to my soul! No one sees the hours of nursing, rocking, and soothing your baby. There is no bonus or trophy. There is no monetary equivalent to pay you for all you do. No memos are exchanged announcing your promotion to motherhood. Yet this is the most important work you will ever do. You are building a life. Making an individual. Molding, and affecting, and injecting everything you are into this being. It can be overwhelming. Especially if your baby doesn’t sleep well at night. That’s what I’m going through right now. And I pray that your little angel sleeps. But if he doesn’t. Know that you will survive this.

If you feel like crying in the middle of the night because you have never felt such exhaustion…

If your nipples are raw, and feel like you might break…

If your back hurts, and even your toes are sore from propping your feet up while you nurse…

If you have no more creative ways to serve ground turkey for dinner…

If you crave some alone time but also hate to leave your baby…

If you want to run away but also want to freeze time to savor each precious moment…

If you doubt everything you do and feel like you’re doing it all wrong…

If you leave the piles of papers and laundry because you can’t organize anything…

If you don’t watch T.V. anymore, or read a book, and some times can’t even take a shower…

Know that you are an amazing mother. That I see you and I am so proud. That what your gut tells you to do is probably better than what I may tell you. That you DO know what you are doing.

Listen to that voice that guides you to be the mother you were born to be. Don’t follow a book, or an App, or a friend’s advice unless your internal voice agrees that it’s the best option for you. And pray. Pray a lot. Because God placed that tiny person in your arms for a reason. He will help you every step of the way.

I adore you and that sweet grandchild of mine more than words can say, and I am always here!

Mama

Boob Land

Baby love–Spit up on my shoulder, poop between my nails, hair in a knot, wearing my husband’s boxers, with bags under my eyes. It’s a pretty picture, I know. I am fully immersed in baby mode. I did buy three pretty pj’s and swore I wouldn’t wear P’s boxers and t-shirts to bed any more. But they are so much more comfy and roomy around my post-partum belly! After 6 weeks with baby S in our lives, I can’t imagine it any other way. Ok, I can. I thought that baby number 3 meant I have learned all the lessons. I’m an expert. I can do it all. Conquer any baby challenge. Not so much. This baby doesn’t sleep any better than his 2 siblings did, he wants to be held all day, and he eats much more. Which means my boob is hanging out 24/7.

I’ve had a decent relationship with my breasts my whole life. I appreciate them, and respect them. Used to wish they were fuller at some point in my high school years, but now I see them as tools for construction of a human being. Nothing needs to be changed or altered. They are perfect. And I often can’t even tell if one is hanging out.   It’s boob land around here.

I’m thankful to have an ample supply of milk. If you’ve ever nursed a ravenous little human, you know that you often worry about your supply. “Do I have enough milk?”, “Is he still hungry?”, “How much did he eat?” are common thoughts of us sleep deprived nursing moms. And then you hear people around you swear that “he looks so hungry” and that “he wants to eat again”, and you feel so offended and judged, because, how can they say that about you and your baby? Well, this time around, I know I have enough and it feels good! Buffet is open day and night, and my baby boy is on the boob whenever he wants it!

I told myself I wouldn’t nurse this baby to sleep, though, and that I wouldn’t rock him, or let him sleep in our bed. I guess I thought that he’d be what I wanted him to be, or what society thinks a baby needs to be, rather than what he was born to be: a baby with needs. I thought I deserved a baby that sleeps through the night and doesn’t need me to hold him all day. But no, for the third time, I am constantly holding my baby and nursing and rocking him to sleep.

I certainly thought that I’d be a more relaxed mom by now. Turns out I’m just as paranoid, over-protective and all-controlling with kid number 3 as I was with number 1. So I have no advice to give, no words to guide you or any success stories to publish. I pay attention to what my baby needs and give it to him.  I question myself all the time. But I know that I do my best. I give all I can give.

They say “be the person your dog thinks you are”. I say “be the person God wants you to be to your kids”. And maybe that way, I CAN conquer anything that comes my way.